Too tired for creative titles

A home-health nurse came to our house this morning, and this time it wasn't for me. I found out yesterday that Dylan and Owen qualify for the specialty Synagis shot which is a vaccine that helps protect premature babies against RSV. "Helps protect" is the key phrase...it isn't a sure-thing...so if you think I'm psycho about hand-washing, you can call my nurse and ask her to give you the same lecture she gave me this morning about the importance of it (she actually told me if a person won't wash their hands for some reason, I should tell them the babies' nurse won't let them hold them...ha!)...especially Ethan, since he's likely to be the "carrier" of all things nasty into our house. Anyways, Ethan got these shots too, and it was before my blogging days so there are no rants that can be read about the total snafu that was flu season during his infancy...but I assure you it was filled with lots of irritating trips to the clinic, can't-catch-my-breath-crying calls to my mom, and dropping-of-the-f-bomb (yes, me!) to the company that runs the Synagis program. But, that's neither here nor there now...he got the shots and he didn't get RSV.

**Check out the links for more background on why I'm being pscycho...I was further freaked out today after seeing the nurses diagrams...lung development of term babies versus premature babies...vessels of term babies versus premature babies...while Dylan and Owen look good and healthy on the outside, they are SUPER vulnerable on the inside.

I expected the same type of insurance coverage/program qualification war when I asked the NICU nurses why they hadn't received the December shot upon their discharge and was told that they didn't qualify (their discharge papers clarified that Dylan did not qualify and Owen might qualify). I vowed to take up this issue with our pediatrician at our first visit (we are heading in on Friday morning to meet with a pediatrician...not ours, but it was the earliest I could get two babies in to the clinic with anybody). But yesterday I got a call from the shot-admin company asking to set up Owen's first shot and I brought up the whole why-the-heck-doesn't-Dylan-qualify and they told me that a form from the hospital was never even sent in for Dylan...long-story way short...new forms were sent in to our pediatrician with their risk factors (prematurity, time in the special-care-nursery, older sibling, etc), he signed off on them, admin company verified our insurance coverage, they had a home-health nurse call me, and the nurse came this morning to administer the shots to BOTH boys! Hurray...success...no tears (from me)!

The boys had little mini-exams...since the shot is based on weight...Dylan is 7lbs 1oz and Owen is 6lbs 7oz...they were 6lbs 4oz and 6lbs 1oz, respectively, upon their discharge dates last week. No "failure to thrive" labeling here!! The nurse even said there was "good parenting" in this household...of course, we love to hear that!! Even though we are going in to the clinic on Friday, it was great to get a chance to ask the nurse a few questions, and get a professionals reassurance that they are doing wonderfully! I have been a little concerned about Owen's intake...but he's been doing much better with the bottle since he's been home, and isn't consistently spitting up anymore (although he had a doozy after his last feeding!)...when the NICU nurses called to follow-up the other day, I asked them about the feeding/spitting concerns and they said to make sure that he has wet diapers and doesn't show any signs of jaundice...so of course, my mom and I have been staring at him during the day to see if he looks yellow at all...his complexion is different than Dylan's...Dylan is much more pink, but he's got blonde hair and Owen has really dark hair and lighter complexion. The nurse assured us he looks just fine.

Dylan and Owen were 3 weeks old on Monday...holy crap...is that it?! It seems like so much has happened in the last 3 weeks. I'm going to try and take weekly pictures of them while I'm on my leave...attached is a picture from yesterday...our best attempt to get their "little" heads together (would you believe that Owen's head is actually bigger...it was measured today by the nurse...Dylan looks bigger to me!)

We feel like we're getting to know them a little bit more every day. Dylan has been really alert a lot and seems to have an older face (even the nurse commented on this today)...like he's wise beyond his years or something. His features seem more pronounced and he's very handsome. He's a voracious eater...he has been pretty low-key, mellow...good with a pacifier and quiet at night. Owen is my little peanut...and despite his apparently bigger head, he is the little one (I'm finding myself feeling a little overprotective already!), but freakishly strong. Every time I put him up on my chest to burp him, he lifts his head up to look at me...already...at 3 weeks!! We struggled a bit with his feedings the first day or so, but he's catching up very well. He needs to be held upright after feedings to help prevent the spitting up, and is a little higher-maintenance at night, but I don't mind the extra-snuggling. He looks more baby-like than his twin brother...but he's cute as heck too!

Ethan, oh Ethan...how wonderful you are! Our oldest has been so great. We are having some sleep issues at night which have to be correlated to the current craziness in the household...because we just worked through the same don't-leave-the-room-issue a few months ago. Regression is typical when new siblings arrive. We're working through it, trying to make it as easy as possible on all of us with still sticking to us parents being in "control". Still, it stinks. When he's awake, things are great. He likes to hold the bottles for the babies during feedings and hasn't seemed to mind them being around much...he does actually like to say hi to them and doesn't flip out if he needs to wait for someone to read him a book or something if we are occupied with baby. I think his lack of acting out on the babies is largely attributed to maintaining his routine with Gamma Leslie, which started again this past Monday. For now, the transition seems to be going ok. His talking is out of control and hilarious...lately he has been giving us permission...as in "You can read this book, Mommy"..."You can do Superman, Daddy"..."You can talk to Mommy, Gramma Nana"...He is incredible.

Dylan (L) says "Please, please...no more pictures!!"

Ethan and Daddy opening a few gifts on Christmas Eve morning

Been busy...

Owen is home...expect my next post to be in 2010. Just kidding...or not.

Owen came home on the 26th, around 5pm. We originally went to pick him up at noon after a call from the hospital, but there was some dumb miscommunication about the timing of his echo and we had to leave without him yet again. But we had him home by that evening. Things have been pretty nuts so far...but the boys eat on pretty regular 3-hour schedules...Andy goes back to work tomorrow so I'm on my own tonight (probably...I am hoping not to wake up my mom for help!)...but the past two nights have been manageable with the two of us feeding them at the same time.

My dad drove back to KY on Saturday morning...my mom is staying here for awhile to help out which is absolutely awesome! Gamma Leslie will come back tomorrow to take care of Ethan so his schedule will not change much due to the twins coming home. This past week has been really crazy for him....lots going on! I am overwhelmed so I can't imagine what it is like for him. Getting back into his regular routine will hopefully help solve some tantrum-throwing and naptime/bedtime issues.

Add to the chaos our visiting puppy who has been with us since last Monday while her foster-parents vacation over the Holidays. Originally, she was to go back to their house this past Friday. But then Andy got a call that they were extending their stay to Saturday or Sunday...and today, a text that they really meant NEXT Sunday. I'm not sure where the communication failure occurred...if the original Friday was really next Friday from the beginning or if they just randomly decided to extend their stay a week, but I am displeased regardless. This dog has been a serious pain in my ass since the day she came into our house and I really don't need one more stress in my life, but here she is. Noone appears to give a shit that I don't want her around. Next week is a short work week for Andy due to the New Year so it's really only Monday through Wednesday that my mom and I will have to deal with her during the day...I'm assured that my mom will keep me from displaying her head on a post in the front yard.

I'm not sure that it's sunk in yet that I have three children in my house and they all belong to us...but it's great! Challenging, but great. I keep running this saying my mom told me through my head..."Every day is one day less"...so when things get tough, I'll just think of that...these days will be gone before we know it, and I'll miss them.

Catching up through Christmas Day...

Feliz navidad!

We were expecting Dylan to come home on the 23rd, but when I hadn't heard by that afternoon, I went in to visit. He had been doing just fine with his feedings, passed his car seat test, etc, but his temps had been low overnight. The nurse told me the whole NICU had been cold that morning and she had turned up the temp, plus he had not been wearing as many layers as she preferred he wear...I have issues staying warm in our house so it's always toasty warm and I'm always assuming everyone else is just as cold as I am, so I would tend to overdress my babies. I was annoyed that this stupid issue had held him back a day.

On the morning of the 24th, we were called and told Dylan would be ready to come home around 3pm. Andy and I planned to split up the Christmas Eve celebration (we celebrate with my side of the family) with Andy and Ethan attending the 3:30 through dinner/E's bedtime and then I would go over for presents after dinner...but a few minutes after we got that call, they called back and changed the time to 6:30 since the doctor who would circumcise him couldn't be there until 5:30. So, the 3 of us headed over to Christmas Eve in two cars...we were all able to have dinner with my family and open a few gifts and then I went over to the hospital to pick up Dylan and Andy & Ethan went home so E could go to bed.

One of the nurses went over the discharge papers with me, and then I filled up a paper bag full of hospital stuff our insurance will be charged for (diapers, formula, diaper rash cream, etc), loaded Dylan into his car seat, kissed Owen goodbye and left to get my car...I was glad no one was in the hospital hallways on Christmas Eve because I cried openly on my way out to the parking garage...we certainly don't want to rush Owen, but knowing I was going to leave him behind, especially on Christmas, really sucked.

I'd been worried about leaving with Dylan in the frigid cold...so I was glad that I was able to get my car warmed up and pull up to the front of the hospital as a nurse brought Dylan down to the front door for me...it's standard discharge procedure I guess. I was nervous to drive with an infant in the car again...I need to get a little mirror set up so I can see their faces in the rear-view mirror as I drive. It was only a mile or two, but I had to keep checking on him at every stop light.

We had a good night with Dylan last night. He was up pretty much every 3 hours to eat and Andy and I took turns getting up to feed him. We set up a portable crib (the one we bought for this past summer's Sandberg family trip...the one that Ethan never slept in!) in our room...turns out he's a loud sleeper...and I know we'll have to have both babies sleeping in their crib in their own room by Sunday night since Andy goes back to work on Monday...but for last night, we were much more comfortable having him next to us as we get used to his sounds and signals. I jumped at every tiny sound when Ethan was a newborn, but it's different this time around...I think we both have a better idea of what is just a normal infant grunt and what's a "hey, I'm hungry!"

We visited Owen this evening as Gamma and Gampa watched Dylan and Ethan. He is just short of meeting his cue-based feeding...by 3cc!! Can't they round up?! He's passed his car-seat test, he isn't hooked up to any leads/monitors, doesn't have a feeding tube in, was circumcised at the same time as Dylan (Owen slept through it!)...he's ready to go. The nurse told us tonight that it really depends on which Dr is following him tomorrow...some are conservative, some are not. Of course, we don't want to rush him, but we want our baby home too. He was looking absolutely adorable tonight too...he'd had a bath recently and his hair was all clean and puffy...it's super dark and long and was standing up in a mohawk.

We all had a great Christmas Day. Ethan opened presents from Santa, us, and everyone else. Andy's family brought Christmas to us at our house which was wonderful...it was great to have everyone together. Our puppy is here on a visit while her foster family is spending the Holidays somewhere. She was really hyper and was really bugging the crap out of me, but Ethan loves to have her here...and he chases her with his tractor.

Ethan has been absolutely wonderful with Dylan so far. We told him on Christmas Eve night that Dylan would be home when he woke up. When he came to our room to have his milk in the morning, he saw Dylan and said "Ooooh, baby!" with a huge smile. He's been saying really cute stuff...running over to him to say "Hi baby!" "Baby can't talk" "Hi baby Dylan"...and the one that cracked us up before his bedtime tonight, "I have too many baby brothers"...just wait until both of them are home, Ethie!!

I'll post some pictures tomorrow.

Dec 22

Andy checked the mail yesterday afternoon and found that Dylan and Owen are all growns up...they have social security cards!! Now, if only they would get insurance cards!! That takes about 30 days...we're sure that, like with Ethan, we will get the full bill before we get the cards and are able to call in that information...we had a good laugh about E's $80K bill...and that was just for the hospital stay, no practitioners, no additional services. I always thought it would be interesting to get the itemized bill...

gauze blinder for phototherapy lights $3,000
diaper rash cream $5,000
hand-knit hat $2,500

I'm guessing that Dylan and Owen's 2+ week stay will probably cost right around the same amount that Ethan's 4 weeks did, except that we'll have to pay the deductible and 10% of each of their bills. Insurance is really an amazing thing though...what would you do without it?!

My mom and I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon and fed both Owen and Dylan. It was a great visit!! Owen took about 25 of his feeding, which is right in the range of what he's been taking. Dylan chugged down 50...we tried to give him about 10 more since he had taken up to 60 in previous feedings, but once he stopped after 50 he didn't want to take any more. Once it's in the bottle, it's gotta be tossed out...I hate that rule (I hate wasting breast-milk*!!), but re-using it can create bacteria and that is a definite a no no. (Same thing with jarred baby food...what a pain!!)

The most exciting news of yesterday's visit is that the nurse told us that Dylan will probably come home today. I brought in the car-seat and they were planning to do the test that afternoon or evening (Gamma called last night and he was right in the middle of the test and doing very well). The nurse told us that there wasn't really anything more they could do for him there that we couldn't do for him at home...he had passed his cue-based feedings and was maintaining his temps. I've got my cell phone right by me and though I'm trying not to get my hopes up (the NICU can screw with your expectations for sure!), I'm expecting to pick up our Dylan today. Of course, I've been a basket-case of tears when I think of leaving Owen there on this own, and worse, the chance that he might not be home with the rest of our family on Christmas. Ok, new topic...

My husband could be the most considerate person on Earth. Yesterday morning he went shopping and came home with a gift for Ethan's delivery nurses' daughter...the one I mentioned in a previous post whose daughter is fighting cancer. Then, he told me about his idea for a gift for the NICU nurses...he's putting a couple bottles of wine, hot chocolate, and coffee...about a dozen options for the nurses to pick from...a thank-you from Dylan and Owen, and of course, us!! He's too sweet. Also last night, I was crying about something or another and he took out a gift for me from a hiding spot...something from the VS that will make me feel less frumpy - when I fit into it...eventually!

*I will post soon about my breast-feeding dilemmas...I am so torn up about this!!

Hopefully snapfish will deliver our Christmas cards today...I ordered them last Wednesday! Get excited to read Andy's Christmas letter too!!

More things from yesterday, and E pics

A few pictures of my photogenic first-born playing/laying around with Grampa Dode. Ethan thought that Christmas pictures would be enhanced by creating a wound on his face after running into the dining room table. Thankfully, no need for stitches on this one!!

I forgot to post the weight updates from yesterday. Mr Owen is 5lbs 12 oz (born 5lbs 4oz) and Mr Dylan is 6lbs 2oz (born 5lbs 6oz). They are gaining weight just wonderfully!

Another positive tidbit is that neither of them has had to undergo the phototherapy lights for jaundice. Their bilirubin levels have been great since birth...not sure how we avoided this one...luck, I think. It wouldn't have been a huge concern...Ethan had to undergo the phototherapy lights quite a bit when he was in the NICU, but he just looked sad with his little blinders on. I'm glad that Dylan and Owen have been able to avoid it.

The nurses asked us yesterday if we were ready for their homecoming. We totally are! Their room is ready to go...we just need to hang the wonderful curtain that my mom made (with blackout fabric backing!) and we're set. Andy also bought 4 different kinds of coffee beans on his recent trip to the grocery store...we're sure to not get tired of one type of coffee as we caffeinate!!

I'm already sick of poop. It seems that Dylan times his poops to my visits. He dropped one on me while I was feeding him yesterday...probably the reason that he didn't take all of his feeding by bottle...too much multi-tasking! And, now that I'm off bedrest, I can't defer all the Ethan poops to Andy...Ethan and I had a little talk about pooping in the potty this morning...wishful thinking. As long as we're talking about my childrens' poop, we shouldn't leave out little Owen...he's been getting a little pear juice with his feedings to help move things along...which could be a reason he hasn't been taking all his feedings from the bottle...he is just uncomfortable. We used to use prune juice for Ethan, which I had totally forgotten about!! That stuff smells nasty...I was pleased to learn that pear juice serves the same purpose and tastes better for the babies...and smells better to Mom. I've made the poop/pee and feeding charts in Word...probably time to print those out and post them around the house...time for my life to revolve around such exciting topics as bowel movements again.

Dec 20 & 21

Pic 1 - Daddy feeding Owen by bottle today
Pic 2 - Dylan in his crib!


The boys are in cribs and are drinking from bottles!!

Yesterday we went over for the noon feeding with my parents. The nurses told us that Dylan and Owen were both ready to try feedings from bottles. My mom was able to get Owen to take some of his feeding, but I was unsuccessful with Dylan...he was sleeping hard!! The nurse practitioner came in and gave us the update that they would be moved out of their isolettes into cribs very soon...and this afternoon when Andy and I came to visit, they were in cribs!! They had just been moved out this morning.

Last night, Andy's parents went over for the 6pm feeding and Dylan took all his bottle. We were told today that Dylan will now be on cue-based feedings, which means that he has to let them know when he wants to be fed versus being on the strict 3-hour feeding schedule that he has been on (when we were there today, he was sleeping at first and then woke up and started sucking on his hand...he took all of his feeding except for 15 from bottle). He has to take a certain amount within a 24-hour period to "pass"...not sure what happens if he passes, but I'm assuming the feeding tube comes out and then I'd assume he has to keep taking that amount for a few days to show consistency. Dylan is also ready for the car-seat test so I'm bringing that in tomorrow. They will put him in the car seat and leave him hooked up to his monitors to make sure he doesn't have any heart-rate drops or breathing episodes.

Owen took 40 of his 54 feeding today from Andy via bottle. We heard the news I've feared for awhile and that is that Owen is 1-2 days behind Dylan...the idea of leaving him there by himself is too terrible to think about. One of my favorite nurses, Nancy, reminded us that babies change day to day, so I'm hoping he just has a remarkable day that catches him right up!

12-18 and 12-19am

Pic 1 - Dylan - my little blondie, wiggle-worm, and breastfeeding champ
Pic 2 - Owen - my Ethan clone, little peanut, and vice-grip hand-holder

I totally jinxed myself earlier this week...I commented about how I'd been so afraid of post-partum depression because it's one of the big things you read about during pregnancy...and I felt so awesome!! That was on Sunday. I felt great when I left the hospital...even without my babies...I had a great outlook...they are getting the best care that they need...and they'll be home soon.

Sometime yesterday I just totally lost it. Like the past 10 days just hit me all at once. I am sick of having the babies in the NICU, sick of feeling like I don't have anything in control...I'm having a hard time resting and recovering - there's no time, I'm having a hard time keeping up with emails/phone calls/requests to see the babies, I'm having a hard time keeping up with the pumping and getting any sleep while the babies are still in the NICU (wait until they get home!)...and what's worse, on my first day of feeling totally and completely out of control emotionally and very vulnerable, a stupid bitch nurse practitioner insulted my efforts.

I visited the boys for their 3pm feeding yesterday. I was on cloud nine one minute and below zero the next. Dylan and I had a great breastfeeding session...he took 26...half of his feeding size of 52. It was awesome...I felt like we were making progress and I feel totally bonded to him during these feeding times. Then, while I was trying with Owen (he ended up taking 4, I'm not giving up on him!!) this stupid nurse practitioner came in and asked me how breastfeeding was going. I said ok, we're trying. Then she asked me if I was pumping because I'm not bringing in very much...I am, and I was just told yesterday that I had a great supply. I'm even drinking that nasty Mother's Milk tea crap. I am pumping, even in the middle of the night, and I'm trying to pump as frequent as I can, for as long a period as I can (I try for 20 minutes, they recommend 15)....even during times when I'm alone with Ethan...I persuade him to come into the babies' room with me, pray that there's a cartoon on, let him climb in the crib, play with the toys, whatever...the extra rocking chair is a great distraction too! Then she told me that I really need to be here more often. Boy, did I have to fight back the tears when she said that. I simply replied that I have a 2-year-old at home, I refuse to be absent from his life, and I'm doing the best I can. Then she said "keep up the good work" with tone...and left. Maybe these comments don't sound like much...and I know I'm emotional and hormonal, but it was snotty and insulting. And made me feel totally inadequate.

One of my favorite nurses, Dawn, who has been on during the day shift most of the week and has been working with me on breastfeeding and just fun to chat with too, was on at 3pm yesterday. She and I had a great conversation about the stupid nurse practitioner's comments. Dawn has an 8-week-old, and for reasons of her own, she had to stop breastfeeding. So she knows how hard the decision is, and how personal it is. She gave me some things to think about...so now I'm in the evaluation stage. I'm not ready to give it up...it's only been a couple of days anyways, but if I'm not able to "do enough" while they're in the NICU, is it even worth the stress on me? Regardless of what we decide to do post-NICU, I will continue to pump and bring that in while the boys are in the NICU. I'd like to keep trying to breastfeed when I am able to be at the hospital, but maybe we'll just bottle-feed at all other times. The nurses did tell me that at some point before the boys come home, if I'm going to breastfeed, I'd have to be there for every feeding they cue for...well, that is just not going to happen...and I just don't understand why it has to be all or nothing.

Anyways, I'm here again this morning...just had the 9am feeding and will stay for the noon feeding too. Owen was zonked out this morning so I didn't try breastfeeding him, but Dylan was wide awake...we breastfed and he took 36. The nurse warmed up 20, thinking we could just warm up more if he didn't take 32 since he just gets the remainder of the 52 via feeding tube. But he wowed us both and took more than 32!! Really amazing!

While Dylan and I were breastfeeding, Gamma and Ethan came to visit. Ethan was cranky (could be that he woke up at 5:30 and came to bed with us, saying "I won't!" when we asked him to go back to sleep) and kept saying "No, no, no!" when he was in the room with the babies. It didn't go that great. The nurse did take Owen out of his isolette and showed Ethan his little feet...he seemed to like that, but otherwise, was not impressed by his little brothers. I guess they are better in theory than reality to Ethan. I'm worried about the transition into our home. One of the nurses was so excited to hear he was coming in...Ethan was her first vent baby when he was in the NICU. I was hoping he'd be his charming self to meet all these nurses that remembered him, but no luck today! This is huge for him, so it's totally understandable.

The boys are a few degrees away from being moved to a crib. Dylan is a little closer...it is probably because he weighs 5lbs 13oz and Owen is 5lbs 9oz. Dylan also isn't having the spit-up issues that Owen is having, and is digesting his entire feeds of 52 while Owen's are at 50 and he is spitting up some. Owen's spitting up only seems to happen at night though...they are still pretty sure that he will outgrow it...it's improved a lot since he first started taking feeds. I'm starting to think that there's a chance Dylan will be ready to come home before Owen and that will completely break my heart. And I'm totally losing hope that they will be home by Christmas. Yesterday, the nurse who was on when I first came in was talking about how fun next Christmas will be for us and I said I wanted this Christmas to be our first one all together....She said Christmas might be pushing it, but probably by New Years!! WTF? I remember all these different timelines from Ethan's NICU stay, so I'm trying not to get discouraged, but seriously...

My parents are traveling today on the second stretch of their trip to MN from KY...really hoping the snowstorms in the forecast stay out of WI and Eastern MN as they are traveling from Madison today. I am so excited to see them...I need my Mommy and Daddy right now.