12-18 and 12-19am

Pic 1 - Dylan - my little blondie, wiggle-worm, and breastfeeding champ
Pic 2 - Owen - my Ethan clone, little peanut, and vice-grip hand-holder

I totally jinxed myself earlier this week...I commented about how I'd been so afraid of post-partum depression because it's one of the big things you read about during pregnancy...and I felt so awesome!! That was on Sunday. I felt great when I left the hospital...even without my babies...I had a great outlook...they are getting the best care that they need...and they'll be home soon.

Sometime yesterday I just totally lost it. Like the past 10 days just hit me all at once. I am sick of having the babies in the NICU, sick of feeling like I don't have anything in control...I'm having a hard time resting and recovering - there's no time, I'm having a hard time keeping up with emails/phone calls/requests to see the babies, I'm having a hard time keeping up with the pumping and getting any sleep while the babies are still in the NICU (wait until they get home!)...and what's worse, on my first day of feeling totally and completely out of control emotionally and very vulnerable, a stupid bitch nurse practitioner insulted my efforts.

I visited the boys for their 3pm feeding yesterday. I was on cloud nine one minute and below zero the next. Dylan and I had a great breastfeeding session...he took 26...half of his feeding size of 52. It was awesome...I felt like we were making progress and I feel totally bonded to him during these feeding times. Then, while I was trying with Owen (he ended up taking 4, I'm not giving up on him!!) this stupid nurse practitioner came in and asked me how breastfeeding was going. I said ok, we're trying. Then she asked me if I was pumping because I'm not bringing in very much...I am, and I was just told yesterday that I had a great supply. I'm even drinking that nasty Mother's Milk tea crap. I am pumping, even in the middle of the night, and I'm trying to pump as frequent as I can, for as long a period as I can (I try for 20 minutes, they recommend 15)....even during times when I'm alone with Ethan...I persuade him to come into the babies' room with me, pray that there's a cartoon on, let him climb in the crib, play with the toys, whatever...the extra rocking chair is a great distraction too! Then she told me that I really need to be here more often. Boy, did I have to fight back the tears when she said that. I simply replied that I have a 2-year-old at home, I refuse to be absent from his life, and I'm doing the best I can. Then she said "keep up the good work" with tone...and left. Maybe these comments don't sound like much...and I know I'm emotional and hormonal, but it was snotty and insulting. And made me feel totally inadequate.

One of my favorite nurses, Dawn, who has been on during the day shift most of the week and has been working with me on breastfeeding and just fun to chat with too, was on at 3pm yesterday. She and I had a great conversation about the stupid nurse practitioner's comments. Dawn has an 8-week-old, and for reasons of her own, she had to stop breastfeeding. So she knows how hard the decision is, and how personal it is. She gave me some things to think about...so now I'm in the evaluation stage. I'm not ready to give it up...it's only been a couple of days anyways, but if I'm not able to "do enough" while they're in the NICU, is it even worth the stress on me? Regardless of what we decide to do post-NICU, I will continue to pump and bring that in while the boys are in the NICU. I'd like to keep trying to breastfeed when I am able to be at the hospital, but maybe we'll just bottle-feed at all other times. The nurses did tell me that at some point before the boys come home, if I'm going to breastfeed, I'd have to be there for every feeding they cue for...well, that is just not going to happen...and I just don't understand why it has to be all or nothing.

Anyways, I'm here again this morning...just had the 9am feeding and will stay for the noon feeding too. Owen was zonked out this morning so I didn't try breastfeeding him, but Dylan was wide awake...we breastfed and he took 36. The nurse warmed up 20, thinking we could just warm up more if he didn't take 32 since he just gets the remainder of the 52 via feeding tube. But he wowed us both and took more than 32!! Really amazing!

While Dylan and I were breastfeeding, Gamma and Ethan came to visit. Ethan was cranky (could be that he woke up at 5:30 and came to bed with us, saying "I won't!" when we asked him to go back to sleep) and kept saying "No, no, no!" when he was in the room with the babies. It didn't go that great. The nurse did take Owen out of his isolette and showed Ethan his little feet...he seemed to like that, but otherwise, was not impressed by his little brothers. I guess they are better in theory than reality to Ethan. I'm worried about the transition into our home. One of the nurses was so excited to hear he was coming in...Ethan was her first vent baby when he was in the NICU. I was hoping he'd be his charming self to meet all these nurses that remembered him, but no luck today! This is huge for him, so it's totally understandable.

The boys are a few degrees away from being moved to a crib. Dylan is a little closer...it is probably because he weighs 5lbs 13oz and Owen is 5lbs 9oz. Dylan also isn't having the spit-up issues that Owen is having, and is digesting his entire feeds of 52 while Owen's are at 50 and he is spitting up some. Owen's spitting up only seems to happen at night though...they are still pretty sure that he will outgrow it...it's improved a lot since he first started taking feeds. I'm starting to think that there's a chance Dylan will be ready to come home before Owen and that will completely break my heart. And I'm totally losing hope that they will be home by Christmas. Yesterday, the nurse who was on when I first came in was talking about how fun next Christmas will be for us and I said I wanted this Christmas to be our first one all together....She said Christmas might be pushing it, but probably by New Years!! WTF? I remember all these different timelines from Ethan's NICU stay, so I'm trying not to get discouraged, but seriously...

My parents are traveling today on the second stretch of their trip to MN from KY...really hoping the snowstorms in the forecast stay out of WI and Eastern MN as they are traveling from Madison today. I am so excited to see them...I need my Mommy and Daddy right now.